The Bludger: "Justice" Is a Dish Best Served Cold
by JohnTFS
Summary: Gonzo journalist Arachnae Israel unleashes her lunatic perception and all-consuming rage against the injustices, stupidities and downright evils in both the wizard and muggle worlds.


Author's Note: This "editorial" refers to events in another story I've written called "Dogs of War

Author's Note: _This "editorial" refers to events in another story I've written called "Dogs of War." So, you might want to read that one after (or even before) reading this one. All characters belonging to J. K. Rowling are used without permission or intent to harm. The character of Arachnae Israel is a deliberate homage to one of Warren Ellis' characters from his brilliant, moving comic, "Transmetropolitan" (which anyone interested in good writing should read)._

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"Justice" Is a Dish Best Served Cold

Byline writer: Arachnae Israel

Joy to the world, the bad man is dead.

As had been reported by muggle newspapers and that purveyor of occasional scraps of truth, _The Daily Prophet, _Sirius Black is dead. The only known escapee from Azkaban evaded the Ministry of Magic's best efforts to re-capture him. His death ends a two year "reign of terror." During this "reign of terror" the convicted traitor and murderer apparently harmed no one, muggle or wizard, in the slightest aside from possible petty theft of clothing or food. However, Black's "flight from justice" has now come to a sudden and violent end.

Black was reportedly cornered in a muggle pub and slain during a "desperate" battle with unnamed (and unknown) "muggle anti-terrorist forces." While the basic gist of that story appears to be true, there seem to be a couple of tiny discrepancies in the official line.

For one thing, the man identified as the "murderously insane" Sirius Black was last seen by customers and staff from the pub drinking some Guinness Stoat (a semi-decent muggle beer) and speaking to another, currently unidentified, man. For another thing, the "desperate battle" between Black and the muggles seemed to be awfully one-sided according to what the muggle witnesses described. According to them, after they were quietly hustled out of the pub by a bunch of largish, official-seeming people, they heard nothing for a short time. Then they heard several seconds worth of loud noises that they identified as muggle "gunfire." 

Muggle "guns" are wand-like weapons that launch small metal projectiles at their intended targets. The projectiles, called "bullets", injure or kill their targets by striking them at high rates of speed. Think about how much it might hurt if somebody threw a small rock at you as hard as they could. Now think about how much that would hurt if "as hard as they could" was some six times the maximum speed of the Nimbus 1000 Quidditch broom, or 600 miles per hour. Now realize that Sirius Black was probably struck by up to 40 or 50 of these "bullets."

After the gunfire, some time passed before the muggle "heroes" carted out Black's body, which was concealed by a bloody tablecloth from the neck downward. Witnesses also stated that not one of the muggles in question seemed to have so much as a paper cut after their "desperate battle" with Sirius Black. Of course, those points were conveniently left out of the stories in the muggle papers and _The Daily Prophet_. Spacing considerations, probably. Those papers just didn't have the room for a lot of unpleasant Truth.

My conclusion? The muggles somehow, perhaps through a "cooperative tip" from our own illustrious Ministry of Magic, determined that Black was (or would be) at the pub. They then evicted all unbiased witnesses from the place and executed Black with their guns instead of bothering to try and capture him alive.

On the other hand, perhaps I shouldn't be so hard on the muggles for acting as they did. They _are_ all uncultured barbarians, after all, unlike we wizardkind. Just look at the way we treat our criminals. Instead of killing them straight out, we lock them up in Azkaban to be tortured by soul-eating monsters to the point of insanity until they finally die of despair. That's a much more civilized approach than the muggles take, don't you think?

One final note: I, Arachnae Israel, owner, publisher and sole reporter of _The Bludger_, am developing and researching previously unknown details of Black's history and crimes. I hope to be ready for publication soon. 

As always, those of you willing to learn the Truth that's been left unrevealed should send your 5 Sickles and subscription notice by owl to the address listed below. The rest of you mindless sheep in wizards' clothing can continue to slurp down whatever dung the Powers-That-Be choose to tell you to believe.

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Legal Notice: All articles published here in _The Bludger_ are the opinions of the writer and may not be considered as libelous or subject to lawsuits or injunctions of any kind. That means you cowardly filth can't sue me into oblivion for telling the plain Truth like you did the last time. So read my words and tremble, because I'm coming for you. _The Bludger _is coming for you.And all the Beaters in the world can't keep you safe from the Truth. 


End file.
